Navigating Non-monogamy during COVID: An RA Perspective

For those who have been non-monogamous since before of the pandemic, the challenges of navigating multiple partnerships are well-established. Even those who weren’t non-monogamous or RA during the pandemic experienced difficulty in trying to maintain meaningful connections and have a sense of community while remaining safe and socially distant. While the world looks different now than it did in 2020, the pandemic is still not over. Not only does Covid continue to evolve into new variants, each with the possibility of becoming more dangerous than the last, but millions of people are also currently experiencing the effects of Long Covid.

Relationship anarchy is a liberation-centered approach, meaning its goal is to examine, identify, and exorcise oppressive or harmful behaviors from relationships — romantic, platonic, neighborly, or otherwise. RA is about promoting liberation in all the ways we relate to other people because it acknowledges that everyone’s liberation is tied together. “We are not free until everyone is free.” This is not merely a slogan but a deep understanding of every living being’s interdependence.

That is why COVID safety and relationship anarchy are inseparable. By taking the necessary COVID precautions, we protect those who are the most vulnerable to the harms of COVID — such as our immunocompromised and disabled comrades — while also acknowledging that COVID (and Long Covid) remains a very real risk to all of us— even those who consider themselves to be healthy.

So, what does this look like in practice?

Here are a few ways you can practice Covid “safer” and your partners, friends, and within your broader community. I use the word “safer,” here, because any kind of social contact is likely to invite risk. There are no perfect solutions to keeping everyone safe, especially when we’ve been so misled and unsupported on a systemic level, but there are some very real and accessible that we can significantly improve our chances of keeping our partners, friends, and community safe.

Mask Up.

While fewer people mask today than at the height of the pandemic, masking remains one of the easiest and most accessible ways of protecting yourself and others. The COVID virus is largely spread through droplets or aerosols, breathed out by someone with an acute infection, so masking can help catch those droplets before they enter your body or, if you are sick, prevent them from escaping and infecting someone else.

To date, the best mask to wear is the N95. There is some interesting science behind how the N95 works but, in short, it does the best job of capturing those aerosols and keeping them from spreading. If N95s are not an option, other great masks to wear are KN95 and KF94.

ProjectN95 has a great list of NIOSH-approved masks to check out.

While masking has a higher success rate when everyone in a shared space is participating, even one-way masking can still prove extremely beneficial. Do what you can to promote universal masking while still wearing a mask in other public spaces where masking is not required.

Stay up-to-date on vaccines.

There is a widely-held misconception that each, annual vaccine is just a booster to the last. This is not true. While many of us did receive “boosters” in 2021 – another dose of the same vaccine – every vaccine that has followed has been updated to protect against the ever-evolving COVID variants.

This is why it’s important to get the latest vaccine if you have not yet received it. The latest vaccine can help prevent the spread of newer variants, which prevents sickness but also slows the virus’s ability to mutate as it continues to spread.

Test, Test, Test.

Of course, masking and vaccines are only two tactics in a larger strategy.

Another way of keeping yourself and your pals safe is to test before you hang out. It is important to note that false negatives are possible with at-home kits, especially among those who are asymptomatic, so understand that there are still risks after receiving a negative at-home test.

That said, at-home tests rarely produce false positives. So, if you take an at-home test and it says you have COVID, you need to start isolating. If you feel well enough, consider moving your plans to virtual or talking on the phone instead. Being safe doesn’t mean you still can’t find ways of connecting; it just means you have to be creative!

People’s CDC: Guide to Testing

Keep groups small and consistent

One of the challenges of being non-monogamous in a pandemic is that it can widen the network of pals we want to spend time with, thereby increasing our risk. There is no way around it: the more people you want to see in person, the greater your chances of getting infected. That is why we talk about being COVID safer rather than COVID-safe.

When possible, keep your circle of pals small and consistent. Talk about COVID safety amongst yourselves and be open and communicative about what precautions each person is going to take to protect the group. It doesn’t need to be awkward! In fact, talking about COVID safety is similar to having “the talk” about STDs. It’s another way of saying “I care about your well-being and I take protecting it very seriously.”

By having these discussions, you’ll want to come to an agreement that everyone can consistently stick to if you plan to spend time together in person. For instance, if someone is required to be around other people for their job, it may not be realistic for them to commit to only interacting with your circle. Talk about that, what it means for your group, and how you’d like to navigate that.

Also, come up with a plan if your agreements are broken – even if it’s unintentional. What steps will need to be taken before in-person meetups can resume?

It’s okay if there is a little friction, as people’s personal safety can activate our stress response system, but keep the conversation respectful. People may experience differences in risk tolerance – such as someone who is okay with small groups versus someone who is only comfortable with one-on-one hangs – but remember that difference is not a bad thing. It just is.

The ultimate goal is to just understand each person needs to feel safe, so you can make informed choices and collectively decide the best way for everyone to interact.

Plan outside activities

Looking to meet up with a pal or a small group of friends? Plan an outside activity! Go on a hike, ride bikes, or meet up for a picnic in the park. There are a near-endless number of things you can do outside with your pals.

While COVID can still be transmitted outside if you’re close enough proximity, air quality matters –– and being outside is one way to improve the air quality around you. Of course, be aware of everyone’s needs. Maybe being outside will be harder for those with allergies, so again it will take communication to find an activity that works well for everyone’s needs.

Improve indoor ventilation

Of course, indoor activities will sometimes be preferred or even necessary. For instance, it’s difficult (though not impossible) to get sexy with our pals outside!

In these cases, it’s good to remain aware of air quality. If affordable to you, an NDIR device is the best way to measure CO2 in an enclosed area. High levels of CO2 can tell us there isn’t air circulation to keep enough fresh air in the room. Opening windows and using an HVAC system can play a role in increasing this circulation but aren’t foolproof.

While there is no agreed-upon “safe” number, experts recommend that indoor CO2 levels not exceed 1000 parts per million (PPM). Some people will start to feel the air is “stuffy” at levels as low as 600 PPM. For reference, the outdoors is usually 420 to 480 PPM depending on the environment where you live.

Generally speaking, the lower the CO2 level, the better; but some discussion will be required with your pals to find the number that everyone feels comfortable with.

In summary, there is no way of reducing our risk of contracting COVID to zero but that doesn’t mean there is nothing that can be done. There are many ways to significantly reduce the chances of spreading COVID to our pals, and community care matters! Being a relationship anarchist means recognizing your part in a larger network and that the safety of one supports the safety of all.

Being COVID safer helps protect our pals and everyone in our community, making shared spaces more inclusive to everyone, especially those in our community who are the most vulnerable.