What is Relationship Anarchy?
The traditional idea of a relationship comes with many assumptions and expectations about what relationships are “supposed to” look like, always to the benefit to Capitalism and its many institutions. Relationship anarchy serves as a sort-of antidote to these oppressive systems, applying the principals of anarchy to the way we make connections and form community in our everyday lives.
Relationship Anarchy, Explained
First coined in 2006 by Swedish writer and activist Andie Nordgren, relationship anarchy is model for relationships with a rich history, based on anarchist principles such as anti-capitalism, anti-hierarchy, and mutual aid.
While Nordgren first began to explore these ideas through the zines and pamphlets they wrote and published in the mid-to-late 00s, their manifesto began to gain popularity after they posted it to the online social media platform Tumblr in 2012, under the title “A short instructional manifesto for relationship anarchy.” In their manifesto, Nordgren outlined twelve guiding principles to define relationship anarchy and how it could look in its practice.
Though RA is still far from mainstream, Nordgren’s manifesto has been an essential text for those who have been curious in exploring relationship models that are outside of the traditional, heteronormative model that has been passed down for generations. Through this paradigm, people were introduced to a way of viewing relationships as a creative and voluntary act, as opposed to rote checkboxes provided by the "relationship escalator.”
Of course, anarchy as a lens for interpersonal relationships did not begin in 2006. It began long before, if less defined or defined by other names. Many early, American writers first applied anarchist perspectives to critique the oppressive nature of marriage and its impact on society, namely how it has used gender and economics as a way of controlling AFAB people. The critique of marriage has continued within relationship anarchist communities, but has expanded into further critiques of Monogamism and Romanticism, as well as looking at how these systems intersect with racism, sexism, homophobia, and other oppressive systems within our society.
Relationship anarchy is a polylithic tradition, comprised of many different viewpoints and perspectives. It has roots in many different histories and cultures, belonging to no singular people. As such, it can be difficult to capture its diverse multitudes in a simple description. There is a lively and active dialogue amongst current practitioners of RA about many of its nuances and how they can be best embodied in practice, but there are some basic ideals that tend to remain the same across applications of relationship anarchy. These common themes can serve as a great place to begin one’s journey into relationship anarchy.
Basics of Relationship Anarchy:
The rejection of interpersonal coercion
The importance of community
Mutual aid as essential support
Commitments as communication, not contract
These basic building blocks of RA all focus on removing the codependence of coupledom in favor of creating a more expansive and effective form of interpersonal care by building strong communities that emphasize humanity’s interdependence with other people, animals, as well as the environment.
Relationship anarchy is an approach to relationships that is non-coercive, anti-hierarchical, anti-monogamy, and anti-capitalist. It defies fixed labels and definitions, acting as a lens rather than a fixed set of rules or outcomes.
What is the Relationship Escalator?
The relationship escalator is a common set of societal assumptions of what a relationship “should” look like in order to be considered valid or “serious.” It typically manifests as a set of milestones for people to cross off to demonstrate their “success” and commitment to one another. The relationship escalator being an amatonormative structure, it is typically presented as the best (or only) way of being in relation to other people — regardless of each person’s individual needs or values.
While many people feel entirely content following the path laid out by the relationship escalator (at least to start), many others do not. Either because the milestones of the relationship escalator do not align to their own values and the vision they have for their future, or because the milestones of the relationship escalator are not made available to them for a variety of systemic reasons.
Feeling that you are compelled and coerced into specific templates for relating to other people can feel unfulfilling at best, and at worst can pressure others into live through deeply harmful and traumatic experiences.
Imagine being told your entire life that the only valid relationship is between a man and a woman, but knowing that you, yourself, are queer? Imagine being told that having children is “the most rewarding experience a person can have,” while either not wanting children or being unable to reproduce? Imagine being pressured into having sex that you do not want because you felt that it was required to be loved or have a “healthy” relationship?
For many, this is not a thought experiment but sincere truth of their experience. RA looks to liberate people from these harmful systems, providing a healthier, more sustainable alternative.
"Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique."
"Customize your commitments."
"Build for the lovely unexpected."
"Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique." "Customize your commitments." "Build for the lovely unexpected."
"Trust is better."
"Change through communication."
"Find your core set of relationship values."
"Trust is better." "Change through communication." "Find your core set of relationship values."
"Fake it til’ you make it."
"Love and respect instead of entitlement."
"Don’t let fear lead you."
"Fake it til’ you make it." "Love and respect instead of entitlement." "Don’t let fear lead you."
Becoming a Relationship Anarchist
What makes RA beautiful is also what makes it difficult to define. Without dogmatic beliefs, how relationship anarchism looks in practice can vary by the wants and needs of those involved. And yet, while there is no singular way to practice RA, there is a great deal of history, theory, and lived experience from which you can borrow, share, and utilize to inform your own lived practice of RA. That relationship anarchy feels like a living and communal project feels very true to its nature, setting it apart from other relational models that emphasize individual “choice” as the defining characteristic.
For those who are interested in relationship anarchism, there are tools, resources, and community supports that many people use and find helpful in their exploration. Learn more about some of the basic tenets of relationship anarchy as Nordgren defined them by clicking "The Manifesto”, below, or click “Where to Start” to discover some of the helpful resources available for starting down the path of becoming a relationship anarchist.