People walking together, arm in arm.

A Guide to Relationship Anarchy.

Are you interested in RA and looking to apply anarchist principles to your relationships?

Understanding RA and how it is different from polyamory is the first step. Below are some essays, articles, and tools to understanding the history and politics of what Relationship Anarchy is, what it is not, and how you can begin to apply this lens to your every day life.

An Introduction to Relationship Anarchy

Relationship anarchy is a polylithic tradition, comprised of many different viewpoints and perspectives. It has roots in many different histories and cultures, belonging to no singular people. As such, it can be difficult to capture its diverse multitudes in a simple description.

There is a lively and active dialogue amongst current practitioners of RA about many of its nuances and how they can be best embodied in practice, but there are some basic ideals that tend to remain the same across applications of relationship anarchy. These common themes can serve as a great place to begin one’s journey into relationship anarchy.

Basics of Relationship Anarchy:

  • The rejection of interpersonal coercion

  • The importance of community

  • Mutual aid as essential support

  • Commitments as communication, not contract

These basic building blocks of RA all focus on removing the codependence of coupledom in favor of creating a more expansive and effective form of interpersonal care by building strong communities that emphasize humanity’s interdependence with other people, animals, as well as the environment.

Additional Reading

Relationship Anarchy Basics [LINK]

Radically Deprivatizing Relationships [LINK]

Do Relationship Anarchists Commit? [LINK]

Many of us (if not all of us) have likely ridden the “relationship escalator” at some point. It’s a set of societal expectations for what a “significant relationship” looks like, especially as it relates to monogamy. Even as an increasing number of people have begun to step away from monogamy, the assumed steps of the relationship escalator often persists for many who participate in polyamory or other “ethical non-monogamy” formations.

Defining the Relationship Escalator

While the term “Relationship Escalator” is new, the set of expectations are pervasive and well-known.

  • Flirting / casual dating

  • Romantic courtship / frequent dating / sex

  • Declarations of love / presenting as a “couple” / expectations of exclusivity

  • Long-term planning / introduction to each other’s families

  • Cohabitation

  • Getting engaged / married

  • Buying a home

  • Family planning / having children

While not everyone follows these exact steps, these are the general, societal markers of how you can tell your relationship is “getting serious.” While many people follow these markers — often without conscious thought — they can be oppressive to those who do not want these specifics aspects or outcomes to be a part of their lives. Many people on the relationship escalator can feel pressured by others (partners, families, coworkers) to stay on the well-tread path of what a relationship “should” look like, rather than following the needs and intuitions of those involved.

The Costs of the Relationship Escalator

For many, riding the relationship escalator can feel comforting — at least to start. It provides the individual with clear markers of “success,” which can provide a sense of validation and satisfaction — if only temporary. And yet…. and it’s a big YET… the relationship escalator also comes with a series of costs and harms with it, as well. That is because the nature of the relationship escalator isn’t for the good of people, but to systemically engrain and uphold societal norms that support powerful institutions such as the State, the Church, and Capitalism as a whole.

A few of the ways that the relationship escalator causes harm:

  • Association between friends/partners is no longer voluntary

  • Upholds the nuclear family as the only “legitimate” unit

  • Encourages behavioral control or “policing” between individuals

  • Encourages co-dependency over community

  • Sex treated as achievement or milestone

Additional Reading

Relationship Escalator Handout [LINK]

Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator [LINK]

Liberating Yourself from the Relationship Escalator

The Relationship Smorgasbord

The relationship smorgasbord is tool for starting a dialogue around what you and your friends want from your relationship. It can asking as a jumping-off point for discussions around what you and someone else would like your relationship to include or exclude.

The relationship smorgasbord (sometimes called the relationship anarchy smorgasbord) is designed to be used for all relationship types, including romantic, sexual, platonic, and familial. People can sit down and review the smorgasbord, together, discussing and agreeing on what dynamics feel most comfortable for their specific relationship.

Relationship anarchy is deeply rooted in autonomy and consent, so it’s important to have these open and honest conversations — preferably before getting too far into an individual relationship. By having these conversations at the beginning of a relationship, you can ensure that everyone is on the same page and will feel safe and respected.

The relationship smorgasbord can also be a great tool to review or revisit within existing relationships, as well. It’s easy to assume that what was once true for your friends is still true of their experience, now. This may not be the case, as what we want and need tends to grow and evolve as we do. If you are in an existing relationship of some kind, it is important to be aware of change. Revisiting the relationship smorgasbord from time to time can help you to check in with the people in your life and take an inventory of each person’s current wants, needs, and desires.

Romantic

  • Chemical reaction

  • Feelings of love

Friendship

  • Companionship

  • Playfulness

  • Shared activity

  • Interest

Domestic

  • Sharing a dwelling/home

Sexual

  • Involving genitals, anus,
    or orgasm

Physical Touch

  • Dance

  • Sex

  • Body contact

  • Cuddles

  • Hugs

  • Hand-holding

Life Partner

  • Sharing long-term / life goals

  • Embracing change

Caregiver

  • Giving care to

  • Receiving care from

Co-Caregiver

  • Children

  • Animals

  • Plants

  • Family

Emotional Intimacy

  • Sharing and being vulnerability

Emotional Support

  • Listening

  • Being asked for advice

  • Confidant

Social Partner

  • Seen together

  • Events

  • Spend time with friends, family, or work

  • Social media

Financial

  • Sharing money, accounts, payment responsibilities, and / or property

Kink

  • Sharing of fantasies and fetishes

Power Dynamics

  • D/s

  • Age play

  • Pet play

Collaborative

  • Teaching

  • Projects

  • Art

  • Organization

Business

  • A combination of collaborative, financial, and social

What’s the Difference Between Relationship Anarchy and Polyamory?

Those who are familiar with non-monogamy may be asking themselves, “Isn’t relationship anarchy the same as polyamory? Aren’t they both just types of ethical non-monogamy?” While these are valid questions, given how they are mistakenly used as interchangeable terms, RA is unique perspective that is actually quite critical of polyamory and the term “ethical non-monogamy.”

How Are Relationship Anarchy and Polyamory Different?

Simply put, relationship anarchy is the application of anarchist principles and philosophies towards interpersonal relationships. It cannot be separated from its ties to anarchism, both historical and contemporary. While polyamorists may form relationships in very similar ways to relationship anarchists, polyamory is not inherently political and tends to emphasize “personal choice” as the guiding principle for how relationships are conducted. Yet without those deeper, political roots, polyamory tends to default into “coupledom” and other rule-based formations that are perpetuated in Monogamism, and that RA outright rejects. Relationship anarchists often view polyamory as an extension of monogamy, only extending many of the same beliefs and values systems to multiple partners.

For instance, polyamory may still contain hierarchies around who are “primary” or “secondary” partners, which RA views as unethical. It also create a distinction between sexual/romantic partners and friends, often prioritizing the sexual/romantic connections — a delineation that RA would also oppose.

Polyamory may also take the shape of a rule-based relationship, filled with limits on what partners can and cannot do without each other’s permission; which RA would criticize as coercive, even when all parties willingly give up power and agree to their own oppression. Polyamory also falls into “coupledom”, even when there are multiple couples within a polycule; rather than RA’s much more revolutionary vision, where support is shared by the community and individual affinities/attractions/commitments amongst individuals are not treated as the idealized unit.

Why Do Relationship Anarchists Dislike the Term Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)?

While well-intended, the term ethical non-monogamy is a defensive term used to differentiate “ethical” non-monogamy from unethical non-monogamy (“cheating). There are a few issues with this concept.

First, no one feels the need to define ethical versus unethical monogamy. It is assumed that monogamy is ethical, since it is the default, “best”, and “only” option promoted in the culture-at-large and enshrined into law through marriage. On the other hand, non-monogamy is typically understood as an unethical practice, frequently stigmatized as “cheating.” The term “cheating” came about as a form of social control, justifying our use of punishment towards those who have dared to challenge the mononormative culture. Those who are labeled “cheaters” frequently experience loss of emotional support networks, loss of income, loss of housing, and may even experience physical violence as a result of their perceived transgression. With so many social pressures in place to remain within the “sacred” bounds of monogamy, it’s no surprise that the non-monogamous feel the need to justify their lifestyle by adding the “ethical” modifier.

Relationship anarchists wish to call attention to this unfair characterization of non-monogamous people as villains, even when deception was involved by the non-monogamous person. Relationship anarchists would, instead, focus on the ways that monogamy treats people as commodities to be distributed or hoarded, and monogamy often inflicts shame and guilt on those who are entrapped within monogamous relationships and struggle to suppress their own desires. When people have wants, needs, and desires that exist outside of the framework of monogamy, it is usually viewed as a fault of the individual rather than a flaw with Monogamism.

Relationship anarchists are not just non-monogamous, but anti-monogamous: aiming to liberate people from these restrictive and harmful practices. The goal of RA is to build new and healthier community based on around mutual aid and the needs of human beings, rather than promoting Monogamism and Romanticism, which exist solely to promote consumerism and other values of the Capitalist system.

Additional Reading

Relationship Anarchy is Not Post-Polyamory [LINK]

Relationship Anarchy vs Nonhierarchical Polyamory [LINK]

Burn it to the Ground: Deconstructing Polya Culture [LINK]

Against Monogamism, For Liberation! [LINK]

Recommended Resources

Relationship Anarchy Resource List [LINK]

This is a great list of resource list that continues to be updated with new articles. It also contains a “NOT THIS” tab which outlines more problematic articles and essays, with notes on why the archivist believes these articles are harmful or not actually RA.

Relationship Anarchy - Facebook Group [LINK]

It makes sense, anyone who wishes to stay away from Meta and their surveillance practices, but it can also be helpful for many to have a place to discuss their experiences with RA. I wanted to include this, here, for anyone who may not have access to an RA community in their area or anywhere else.