Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?: A Relationship Anarchist Perspective
“Once a cheater, always a cheater” is a common platitude within monogamous and other hierarchical relationships, but where does this idea come from and why is it so pervasive?
Cheating and infidelity are often defined as the act of breaking an agreed-upon rule within a relationship, usually involving a breach of trust or dishonesty. However, the concept of cheating is an invention of monogamous and hierarchical relationship structures, which assume that romantic and sexual relationships must follow a certain set of rules and norms in order to be valid and moral. These social norms often prescribe and prioritize monogamy, exclusivity, and commitment, and are reinforced through socialization, media representation, and cultural practices. These norms and expectations are often seen as the only acceptable way to form romantic relationships.
Individuals who deviate from the expectations of monogamy / hierarchy are often viewed as immoral, untrustworthy, and lacking in self-control. They are often subjected to social ostracism, condemnation, and punishment. The concept of cheating serves as a means for social control, coercing cheaters to stay within the bounds of monogamy / hierarchy, as well as sending a warning to others who would challenge these social norms. People who have been cheated on may pressure mutual friends to withdraw support from the person who cheated, go on the offensive and talk badly about them to friends, family, coworkers, bosses, and others, or even harass or assault them. Violence directed at someone who cheats, whether structural or interpersonal, direct or indirect, will often be excused as understandable, and the blame for this violence will be placed on the person who cheated. Jealousy about cheating has been considered a valid excuse for all kinds of harmful behavior in our culture, including rape and murder, and is a common reason that people lose vital resources like housing, income, custody of children, healthcare, and community support.
However, this punitive approach to cheating fails to acknowledge the complexities of human relationships and the diversity of relationship structures that exist. It assumes that monogamous relationships are the only valid way to form romantic connections, and that any deviation from this norm is a sign of deviance or moral decay. This approach fails to consider the multitude of reasons why individuals may choose to engage in non-monogamous behavior, including personal preference, cultural background, sexual orientation, and relationship history.
Moreover, the punishment for cheating often ignores the underlying issues that may have led to the infidelity in the first place. Rather than addressing the root causes of the behavior, the focus is often on punishing the individual for their transgression, which can exacerbate feelings of shame, guilt, and isolation. This can create a cycle of blame and shame that can be difficult to break, and can ultimately lead to further relationship difficulties.
Relationship Anarchy offers a different perspective on infidelity, one that acknowledges the importance of individual autonomy, consent, and agency in relationships. Rather than focusing on punishing individuals who deviate from monogamous norms, Relationship Anarchy emphasizes the importance of open communication, mutual respect, and consent in all relationships, regardless of their structure.
In Relationship Anarchy, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to defining a relationship, and individuals are encouraged to explore their own needs and desires, without fear of judgment or social stigma. This can include exploring non-monogamous relationship structures, and prioritizing the unique needs and desires of each individual in the relationship. By rejecting societal norms and expectations, Relationship Anarchy allows individuals to build deep, meaningful connections with multiple people simultaneously, without judgement or threat of violence.
The struggle against monogamism and hierarchy intersects with other struggles against Capitalism, as many people's access to basic needs like housing, social support, and financial stability depend on conforming to traditional, romantic relationship and family structures. These resources are often most accessible within the context of traditional couples, making it difficult for those who deviate from that model. However, these resources are also important for those who are "breaking up" or experiencing other forms of judgment from the monogamous system.
It is not realistic to expect individuals or small groups to meet all of these needs, especially in high-conflict situations like allegations of cheating. Instead, we should aim to provide these resources through distributed mutual aid networks and other community-based supports. By doing so, we can help people recover from the consequences of cheating and build less violent ways of relating to each other.
Ultimately, the idea of cheating as a means of punishing those who step outside of monogamous norms fails to acknowledge the diversity of human relationships and the importance of individual autonomy, agency, and consent. By adopting a more flexible and individualized approach to relationships, such as that advocated by Relationship Anarchists, we can create a safer, more egalitarian society, one that values communication, respect, and mutual trust in all its forms of connection.
Additional Reading:
Cheat to Win: Strategies to Build Anti-Monogamist Solidarity (Zine)*
*Editor’s Note: This zine is provided for additional context and information, as it is a commonly cited resource. That said, this zine does not represent all of the values of RA or this website’s editors. The editors of this website encourage open communication and consent to help liberate themselves from monogamous relationships rather than encouraging them to deceive their partners and violate consent.