Is Relationship Anarchy Toxic?: Misuses and Misconceptions About RA
In recent years, the concept of relationship anarchy (RA) has been gaining more attention as an alternative to traditional relationship structures. While many celebrate it as a liberating way to define and organize relationships based on individual needs and mutual respect, others question whether it can lead to toxic dynamics. So, is relationship anarchy toxic? The short answer is no — not inherently. However, like any relational framework, it can be misused or misunderstood, leading to unhealthy patterns.
This blog explores the principles of relationship anarchy, how it can be a healthy alternative to traditional relationship models, and the potential pitfalls that may arise if it’s not carefully navigated.
What Is Relationship Anarchy?
At its core, relationship anarchy is about rejecting hierarchical relationship structures. Unlike conventional romantic relationships, where labels like "boyfriend/girlfriend" or "husband/wife" often come with predefined expectations and societal norms, relationship anarchy encourages individuals to form relationships based on what works for them personally — without rigid labels or predefined roles.
A fundamental tenet of RA is that no relationship is inherently more important than another. Romantic, platonic, sexual, familial, and even casual relationships can all be considered equal in value, with the boundaries and expectations being set by the people involved, not by society. There are no “rules” that dictate what a person can or cannot expect from another. In this sense, relationship anarchy advocates for radical personal autonomy and flexibility within connections.
It’s important to note that relationship anarchy is distinct from polyamory. While polyamory also involves multiple relationships, it doesn’t necessarily reject hierarchical structures. Polyamorous people may have primary, secondary, and tertiary relationships, with different levels of commitment or importance. In contrast, relationship anarchy focuses on the rejection of any hierarchy between relationships, and it encourages people to engage with others based on mutual agreement and respect, without any enforced prioritization.
The Benefits of Relationship Anarchy
When practiced mindfully and ethically, relationship anarchy offers several benefits that can lead to healthier relationships:
Healthy Boundaries and Clear Communication: Relationship anarchy emphasizes the importance of consent, communication, and mutual understanding. By acknowledging that each relationship is unique, RA fosters relationships where needs and boundaries are discussed openly, adjusting the relationship as necessary. This helps individuals maintain a sense of autonomy and avoid becoming enmeshed in unhealthy dynamics.
Avoiding Codependency: In traditional romantic relationships, there can be an unspoken pressure to rely on one partner for emotional, financial, and even social fulfillment. Relationship anarchy, however, encourages people to cultivate multiple forms of support and emotional intimacy with different people, building a larger network of support and interdependency. This approach can protect against codependency — where one person feels overly reliant on another — by expanding your network of care beyond a single person. Of course, those who may be codependent on a partner or loved one shouldn’t feel ashamed. Codependency is often a survival tactic in imbalanced relationships, especially those where a power imbalance is at play. Everyone needs support and that can be difficult to access in our individualistic, atomized culture.
Flexibility and Personal Growth: Relationship anarchy allows relationships to evolve naturally without being constrained by societal expectations. For example, a romantic partnership can develop into a deep friendship, or a close friendship can develop into something romantic, with both people involved renegotiating their needs along the way. This flexibility allows for personal growth and self-discovery within a supportive framework, rather than being bound by rigid roles and expectations.
Emphasis on Consent and Autonomy: RA places an emphasis on personal choice, giving people the freedom to shape their relationships based on mutual consent and shared values. This helps individuals make decisions that prioritize their well-being without the pressure to conform to traditional relationship norms.
Is Relationship Anarchy Toxic?
While relationship anarchy itself isn’t inherently toxic, it can be misunderstood or misused in ways that create unhealthy dynamics. Just like any relationship model, RA requires ongoing communication, introspection, and mutual accountability for others' boundaries to be effective. Below are some ways relationship anarchy could lead to toxicity if not practiced mindfully:
1. Miscommunication and Lack of Clear Boundaries
In RA, the absence of predefined roles and expectations can sometimes lead to confusion or misunderstandings. If people fail to communicate clearly about their needs, desires, or boundaries, it can result in hurt feelings, unaddressed emotional needs, and friction within relationships. This is especially true when someone may assume that another person understands their boundaries, only to find out later that they were not clearly understood.
For example, one person might assume that their partner has the same expectations regarding time commitment or emotional involvement, while the other may not. The absence of clear, ongoing communication can lead to resentment, feelings of neglect, or feelings of being overwhelmed. It may not be any, single person’s fault but it does require that everyone involved to be vulnerable and communicative.
2. Avoiding Accountability or Responsibility
One of the dangers of relationship anarchy, when misapplied, is that it can sometimes be used as an excuse to avoid responsibility or accountability. Since RA values personal autonomy, it may be tempting for individuals to shirk accountability for their actions or to avoid addressing emotional concerns by citing personal freedom as a justification. Personal freedom doesn’t mean you get to be a dick. If you are someone who values personal autonomy, you need the responsibility that comes with that agency — which includes social dynamics and our impact on the world around us. Personal freedom without accountability is not anarchist.
For example, if someone in a relationship chooses not to uphold their agreements, or disregards the emotional needs of others, they may hide behind the idea of “relationships can be fluid and flexible.” This can create a dynamic where one person is constantly giving without receiving any reciprocal effort or care, leading to frustration or emotional harm.
3. Emotional Neglect or Lack of Support
Because relationship anarchy does not inherently prioritize one relationship over another, there’s a risk of emotional neglect or abandonment. Remember: neglect isn’t always severe or abusive; it just means that you aren’t meeting someone else’s needs. If individuals involved in RA don’t engage in regular check-ins or are not attuned to each other's needs, they may unintentionally leave certain people feeling unsupported or left out. Emotional neglect can occur when one party expects to operate without clearly communicating their need for intimacy or care, leading to isolation or unspoken hurt.
4. Potential for Exploitation
If someone with a more dominant personality practices RA in a way that manipulates or exploits others, it can turn toxic. For example, a person may use RA as a way to justify non-commitment or to avoid providing the level of emotional investment that another person may want or expect. In such a case, the power dynamic can become uneven, where one person is fully engaged in the relationship while the other uses the terms and concepts of RA as a shield to avoid deeper emotional connections.
How to Practice Relationship Anarchy in a Healthy Way
To avoid these issues, those interested in relationship anarchy need to be intentional and self-aware. Here are some strategies to help maintain healthy RA dynamics:
Establish Clear Communication: Regular, open communication is essential. Talk about expectations, needs, and boundaries upfront, and check in with each other regularly. Not every conversation needs to be big or intense. Sometimes it’s just a casual chat to say “Hey, I just wanted to see how you were feeling about this?” Checking in, alone, can be a great way of showing someone you care.
Negotiate Boundaries Respectfully: Be transparent about your emotional needs and make space for others to share theirs. Setting boundaries doesn’t negate personal freedom — it enhances it by creating mutual respect. Each of us is our own person. Of course we will have our own needs and limits! Talking about what those are doesn’t limit your agency, but helps you to better understand the point where you and other people truly connect.
Take Accountability: Relationship anarchy works best when both people take responsibility for their actions and ensure they’re not unintentionally harming others. Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Being in relation to others means it can’t be all about you. If someone is hurt, it’s important to talk to them, understand their hurt, and discuss ways that it may be preventable in the future.
Respect Emotional Labor: Even in a non-hierarchical relationship, it’s essential to acknowledge that emotional labor is real and that all relationships require care and nurturing. Be aware of how gender roles and other conditioned behavior may impact the emotional labor being done in a relationship. Talk about it and, if needed, find times to take breaks from big topics that might be especially emotionally laborious.
Be Flexible but Empathetic: While RA promotes flexibility, that flexibility shouldn’t come at the cost of ignoring the needs of others. Relationships should evolve based on mutual respect, not avoidance or neglect. If someone has a need, hear them out. Listen and see what you are able to agree upon. Not everything can be agreed upon, nor is there a compromise to every situation, but approach differences with empathy and honesty.
Conclusion
So, is relationship anarchy toxic? In and of itself, no. When practiced with respect, clear communication, and mutual care, relationship anarchy can offer a fulfilling and healthy alternative to traditional relationship structures. However, like any relational model, it requires intentionality and self-awareness to avoid pitfalls such as miscommunication, emotional neglect, or exploitation.
Relationship anarchy can be a beautiful way to engage with others authentically and flexibly, but it’s not without its challenges. Every relationship requires attention and care, and sometimes that can be difficult. If practiced with respect for each person’s autonomy and clear, ongoing communication, RA can help build deep, meaningful relationships that honor both independence and interdependence. Ultimately, the key to success in any relationship structure — whether RA, polyamory, or something else — is the same: understanding, respect, and a shared commitment to emotional health and well-being.