Relationship Anarchy and Marriage: Dismantling Power and Hierarchy in Love
Marriage has long been upheld as the pinnacle of romantic success, but from a critical perspective, it has also functioned as a system of control—particularly over women. Historically, marriage has institutionalized gendered power dynamics, reinforcing male dominance and reducing women to economic and reproductive roles. Even today, despite legal advances, marriage continues to perpetuate hierarchical structures that conflict with the core principles of Relationship Anarchy (RA).
What Is RA?
Before we talk about marriage, let’s answer the question “What is Relationship Anarchy?” Relationship Anarchy is a radical approach to relationships that challenges hierarchical and prescriptive norms. It rejects the idea that romantic and sexual relationships should be privileged over friendships or other forms of connection. At its core, RA values autonomy, consent, and the ability to define relationships based on mutual agreement rather than societal expectations.
The Historical Roots of Marriage as a System of Control
Marriage, as traditionally conceived, was never about love; it was about property, lineage, and control. Women have been treated as commodities, exchanged between fathers and husbands to secure alliances and wealth. The legal framework of marriage positioned men as heads of households, while women had little to no autonomy over their own bodies, finances, or even legal identities.
While modern marriage has evolved in many ways, its roots in patriarchal dominance remain evident — and is seeing a resurgence in popularity amongst Christo-fascists in America. The expectation of monogamy, the legal intertwining of finances, and the social pressure to conform to marriage as the ultimate relationship goal all reflect marriage as it was designed: as a way to maintain traditional power structures and dominate women/AFAB people.
Marriage vs. Relationship Anarchy: A Fundamental Conflict
Marriage, even in its contemporary form, is still a deeply hierarchical system. It is legally and socially prioritized over other relationships, granting spouses privileges that are denied to non-married individuals. From tax benefits to hospital visitation rights, marriage upholds an arbitrary distinction between "valid" relationships and those that exist outside its framework.
In contrast, RA dismantles these hierarchies, emphasizing:
Decentralization of Power – No one relationship should hold more inherent value than another.
Autonomy and Consent – Individuals define their relationships on their own terms, free from external coercion.
Freedom from Gender Roles – RA rejects the rigid expectations placed on people based on gender and embraces fluidity in relationship structures.
Should Relationship Anarchists Reject Marriage Entirely?
Many relationship anarchists choose to reject marriage outright due to its oppressive history and legal enforcement of hierarchy. While there have been mainstream fights to win and protect gay marriage around the world, many in the queer community feel that this effort is misguided and and that equality should not be the ultimate goal.
As Yasmin Nair writes in her essay from the 2014 book Against Equality: Queer Revolution, Not Mere Inclusion,
“a queer radical critique of gay marriage exposes how capitalism structures our notion of ‘family’ and the privatization of the social relationships we depend on to survive.”
From a relationship anarchist perspective, marriage continues to serve the functions of capitalism and patriarchal dominance. Relationship anarchists don’t feel that marriage is something that can or should be reformed — “allowing” queer people to partake in this hetero-capitalist tradition. Rather, it should be dismantled and re-built from the ground up, greater a more just world where marriage or a specific relationship style is not the only means for gaining access to health care, legal protections, other special rights. In the view of RA, relationships have such greater potential than the current system permits.
However, some people who identify with RA or anarchism may still decide to get married due to the existing legal protections, financial benefits, or other personal reasons. In these cases, it’s important to approach marriage critically, ensuring you minimize its coercive structures.
Questions to consider before getting might include:
Am I making this choice freely, or am I being influenced by The Relationship Escalator?
How does marriage affect my autonomy or add hierarchy to my other relationships?
How can I deconstruct the hierarchical implications of marriage within my relationship?
Am I reinforcing existing power structures by participating in this institution?
Reimagining Marriage for Those Already Married
If you’re already married and discovering RA, you may feel uneasy about the implications. A relationship anarchist approach to marriage does not require dissolution, but it does require re-examining its foundations.
Identify and Challenge Power Imbalances – Consider how traditional roles may have shaped your dynamic and work toward equalizing power.
Reject Hierarchical Thinking – Recognize that marriage does not inherently make a relationship more valid than others.
Redefine Commitment on Your Terms – Consent and ongoing dialogue should replace obligation and assumed roles. Use the RA Smorgasbord to re-design your commitments.
Honor Non-Marital Relationships – Ensure that friendships, chosen family, and other intimate connections are not devalued.
Breaking Free from Prescribed Structures
Marriage, as an institution, has been used to enforce control and hierarchy. Relationship Anarchy, in contrast, offers a path to love and connection that prioritizes freedom, autonomy, and equality. While some may still choose to engage with marriage, it is crucial to do so with awareness and a commitment to dismantling its historical constraints. Love should not be dictated by legal contracts or societal validation—it should be built on mutual care, honesty, and the rejection of imposed structures.